What Does 'Oversharing' Actually Mean?
Oversharing generally means that you’re saying something that isn’t appropriate to the setting and the relationship.
Licensed clinical social worker Jenny Schliessman, LCSW, says in some cases, oversharing “can be an almost unconscious reflex resulting from enduring complex or relational trauma. For example,” Schliessman says, “being raised in a family where one was chronically invalidated, misunderstood, or dismissed.” It’s possible that it’s historically been a protective reaction; while opening up, on the other hand, is a conscious choice.
Context also plays a big part in making the distinction between sharing and oversharing, Dr. Baggett says. “Sharing intimate health information with your longtime partner during a private conversation at home would be not only appropriate to the level of intimacy you have with that person, but also pretty important for them to know,” she says. Sharing the same information in mixed company—such as “loudly in a restaurant, or with your coworker, would not be appropriate,” Dr. Baggett says.
Social media has a role in this, too. One study concluded that members of an individualistic culture (like that of the U.S.) may be more likely to share private information with their social-media followers. That research, published in 2013, associated such self-presentation “with neuroticism, narcissism, shyness, self-esteem and self-worth.” In the years since then, sharing via social media has become much more of a social norm.
The Psychology Behind Oversharing
There’s no single reason someone overshares. Maybe you were raised by people who lacked boundaries and overshared in their own lives, which made it seem normal—which is the case that Dr. Baggett sees the most often in her own practice. She’s also found that people overshare due to a lack of social skills, or, as Schliessman notes, because they’ve lived through trauma in some form and that affected their boundaries.
“Others may be anxious about rejection and so overshare in an unconscious attempt to see if the person will stay,” Dr. Baggett says, while others yet “may do it for the attention or to get a rise out of people.”
It could also simply be a lack of social skills or awareness—and before you know it, everyone at the dinner table knows about your dog’s G.I. issues or why things didn’t work out with a recent relationship.
How to Know You’re Oversharing in the Moment
If you know you’re prone to oversharing and think something might come up—be it an argument with your sister or a frustrating work issue, consider getting a game plan together ahead of time. Dr. Baggett recommends putting your share through a filter of whether it can affect anyone negatively—including the listener, or someone who’s not present. “It is important to consider if sharing will create regret for you or make anyone uncomfortable,” she says.
It can be hard to check yourself while you’re in the middle of a sentence, or simply stop talking. The good news, Schliessman says, is that just being conscious of what you’re doing is huge progress: “Awareness in these moments is the first step, and with practice, intention, and self-trust, this healing can happen.”
She recommends pausing, even just for a moment, and checking how your body feels. Are you relaxed and at ease, or are you feeling tense? “If safety is present, maybe you continue to share—and if there is doubt or you notice physical signs of uneasiness, you can step on the vulnerability break,” she says.
Finally, pay attention to what happens when you finish your sentence or wrap up your thoughts. “Is what you shared reciprocated? Does it seem to make the other person uncomfortable, or do they change the subject?” Dr. Baggett says.
If the listener has a thoughtful response and doesn’t seem uncomfortable, then you can consider sharing a little more. “It's sort of like adding salt in cooking—you can always add more, but you can't take it back once you put it out there,” Dr. Baggett says.
How to Balance Opening Up and Oversharing
First, consider your relationship with the person (or people) at hand. “The closer you are with a person, the more you can share,” Dr. Baggett suggests. The same information that might be important for your partner to know is probably too much for your mail carrier or new coworker. What you share should match the level of intimacy in your relationship.
When in doubt, ask. Dr. Baggett says this may break the ice if you’ve gotten yourself into an awkward moment. “This gives them the chance to say no if it's a subject they aren't comfortable hearing more about—and if they say yes, then you don't have to worry.”
After all, she says, “The best way to build healthy closeness is gradually.”
