How to Heal After a Divorce, According to Leading Therapists

Whether you’re celebrating or grieving the end of your marriage—or, a combination of both, plus more emotions—if you’re going through a divorce, you’re also adjusting. 

Whether you initiated the divorce, your spouse asked for it, or something else sparked a parting of ways, the time and commitment you put into your marriage may now be better spent rebuilding your sense of self. “You might feel like you are doing well, but a sudden memory or a comment from a child can immediately make you feel unprepared or set back,” Elizabeth Cohen, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in helping patients through the divorce process, tells MyLifetime.

Read on for guidance from clinical experts on healing after divorce, whether you’re in the midst of the journey or just starting to navigate the transition.

Unfortunately, there’s no neat, orderly timeline for working through and recovering from a divorce. That’s because “every relationship and divorce is different,” Julie Newman, LMHC-D, a licensed mental health counselor who focuses on relationships and anxiety, tells MyLifetime. “Someone who spent years unhappy in their marriage may feel relief fairly quickly, while someone who was blindsided may need much longer to process what happened.”

If your assumption is that you’ll feel better as time goes on, that’s only partly true. “You might feel like yourself again for a few days, then suddenly find yourself crying because you signed the divorce papers or experienced a milestone you thought you'd share with your partner,” Newman says. That’s because you’re effectively grieving, so certain things, like a sudden memory, can trigger an avalanche of emotion. But it doesn’t mean that you’re back at square one—and it’s a perfectly normal response, Newman says.

However, those emotions will likely ease up eventually. “In the beginning, I often see people cycling between sadness, anxiety, anger, guilt, relief and even hope, sometimes all in the same day,” Newman says. “As time goes on, the emotions usually become less intense and less consuming.”

One of the biggest mistakes Newman says people make is trying to avoid the pain entirely instead of working through it. “That can look like jumping into another relationship before you've had time to heal, constantly checking your ex's social media, staying busy every minute of the day or endlessly trying to figure out why everything happened,” she says. Ask yourself whether you’re truly working through your feelings.

It can also be tempting to isolate yourself, which is a natural reaction if you're feeling embarrassed or emotionally drained, according to Newman. While everyone can use and benefit from alone time, "healing usually happens when connecting with trusted friends, family or a therapist," she says.

On the flip side, your social circle could also do more harm than good, even if they mean well. While social support can be critical after you divorce, Dr. Cohen warns, “Some friends will just keep stirring the pot and talking about your ex as if they're the problem, rather than being open to healing and releasing resentment.” 

So, especially early on, she advises thinking hard about which friends can support you in moving forward and aren’t going to hold you back by rehashing the negative, even if they’re doing it with good intentions.

First, Newman suggests starting small: “After a divorce, life can feel really overwhelming, so rebuilding doesn't have to mean completely reinventing yourself.”

She recommends being conscious about your daily routine: Spend time with your support system, move your body and focus on the basics, like eating and sleeping, to create a sense of stability. 

Once you’ve got this baseline down, you can explore new ways to connect with yourself, be it through new hobbies, old friendships or an exciting solo vacation. “Divorce can be incredibly painful, but it can also be an opportunity to create a life that feels more aligned with who you are today,” she says.

It’s also important to acknowledge what you’ve been through. “You're not just grieving the loss of a relationship. You're grieving the future you pictured, the routines you built together, and sometimes even the version of yourself you were in that relationship,” Newman says.

That introspection can make a difference in how you heal—and how long it takes to feel better. “Examining why you stayed in the relationship or why you were drawn to that person initially impacts the speed of recovery,” Dr. Cohen says. 

Newman, likewise, recommends reflecting on events with non-judgmental curiosity. Ask yourself: What patterns showed up? What needs were unmet? What do you want to do differently in the future? “That’s often where the real growth happens,” she says.

For context, the goal of healing is not “to never think about your ex again,” Newman says. “It's that the divorce is no longer at the center of every decision, thought, or conversation.”

Dr. Cohen calls emotional regulation one sign that you’re moving toward the other side of divorce recovery. “When a person can hear about their ex or someone else’s marriage without feeling intense emotional triggers or taking things personally, it is a sign they have truly healed,” she says.

Another is your relationship with yourself: in a nutshell, you feel more grounded. Newman says you’re no longer replaying every conversation, questioning your decisions or fixating on the relationship. “You're able to reflect on what you learned without feeling stuck in what happened,” she says. At the end of the day, you begin to shift from asking, “Why did this happen?” to thinking, “What do I want my life to look like now?”

“That's usually when I know they're no longer just recovering from the divorce, but they're moving forward with a stronger sense of who they are,” Newman says. 

And, as much emotion led to that point, it’s an empowering way the relationship led you to grow and discover your strength.