Why Is It Common to Feel Happy for and Jealous of Loved Ones?
We all want good things for the people we love, but we also want those things for ourselves. When someone close achieves something we long for, it’s almost impossible to avoid playing the comparison game.
According to Yasmine Saad, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City, jealousy is especially common with our loved ones because you two were once on track together, or you might have even contributed to their success. “You know their story. You may have started in similar places or shared similar dreams,” Dr. Saad says. Their milestone becomes a mirror, reflecting the thing you silently wish for yourself.
Dr. Saad offers a perspective to consider: in many cases, that jealousy will have less to do with the other person and more to do with the parts of your own life that still feel unfinished or uncertain. For example, your friend’s promotion might suddenly make you realize your own career feels stuck. Or her family vacation photos remind you that you’re still a party of one.
This might surface an opportunity to run some reflective inventory of whether you’re truly putting yourself in positions to reach your own goals:
If you’re looking for a partner, are you getting out socially often enough?
If you’re dating someone, can you be honest about whether you both truly want the same things in life?
If you dream of buying property, is it time to think about giving up that city apartment, or start looking for a better-paying job?
When it comes to dreams of parenthood: could you look into financing for freezing your eggs, talk with a close male friend about sperm donation or start to research what adoption or fostering a child would require?
If you’re honest with yourself, it’s likely there are steps you could consider that could help bring you closer to what you want.
‘Does Jealousy Make Me a Bad Friend?’
Happiness and jealousy can coexist. The latter doesn’t make you a bad friend or crummy family member, and you don’t need to feel ashamed of it.
Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert, tells MyLifetime, “Feeling jealous doesn’t erase your happiness for your friend, just as feeling happy doesn't mean you won't also notice your own unmet hopes or disappointments.” The fact that you feel this way doesn’t mean you love your friend any less, or that you’re a bad person (or, let’s be real, a loser). It means you’re human.
“When we stop treating jealousy as something shameful and start treating it as useful information, it becomes less of a threat and more of a guide,” Dr. Kirmayer says. “Most often, jealousy points us toward something we want to cultivate in our own lives: a career change, a stronger relationship, a creative pursuit or a greater sense of confidence or belonging.”
All said, someone else’s good news doesn’t diminish the potential for your life. It simply shines a light on what your heart longs for.
The important part is making sure jealousy doesn’t create distance, fuel resentment or make it harder to show up for your friend.
How to Process Your Jealousy
Celebrate the wins of your loved ones. But at the same time, you’ll want to come to terms with your envy, how you’re handling it and take a closer look at what it stirs up.
According to Dr. Kirmayer, it’s not jealousy that can be the problem—it’s trying to ignore, suppress or judge it, which can create a domino effect. “Over time, this can shape how we behave in ways we don’t intend, like creating distance, resentment and conflict,” she warns.
She also invites you to notice and question a scarcity mindset, should it arise. Just because someone has achieved something you want doesn’t mean that your chance has passed, or that you’ve fallen behind. Try to consider this, instead: it offers evidence that what you’re hoping for is possible. If your timeline looks different, that’s okay.
It can also help to pause before judging yourself. According to Dr. Saad, jealousy has a way of convincing us that someone else’s success says something negative about our own lives. But that’s a story you’re telling yourself—not necessarily the truth. Instead of spiraling into self-criticism, the more productive move is to get curious about what’s actually underneath the feeling.
Rather than pushing jealousy away, Dr. Kirmayer suggests treating it like a clue. Ask yourself:
What is it trying to tell me?
What need, fear or value is it pointing toward?
What do I want more (or less) of in my own life?
What’s one step I can take to move toward that?
In addition, Dr. Saad advises digging deeper to investigate any limiting beliefs or obstacles that are in the way of achieving your desire. From there, replace them with affirmations and actions to get closer to fulfilling it.
She says the goal isn’t to stop feeling jealous overnight. It’s to let that feeling point you toward something meaningful, instead of letting it bring you down. As you become clearer about what you truly want—and what you can do about it—jealousy gradually loses some of its power, Dr. Saad says.
Naturally, this process is easier said than done. Sometimes feelings are intense—especially when the stakes are high. If your friend is bringing home her newborn while you’re in the throes of fertility heartbreak, or if she has weekly dates with her mother when your own has recently died: that hurts. A loving friend or family member won’t expect you to sugarcoat it.
In these cases, “it may be appropriate to set temporary boundaries around certain conversations while you work through them,” Dr. Kirmayer says. It may also help to consult a therapist who can help you untangle these emotions with compassion.
