How to Find Purpose in Midlife After Raising a Family: Strategies from Psychotherapists

Elizabeth Winkler, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. Her job is to guide clients through empty nesting—something she herself experienced a year ago when her daughter went back to school on the East Coast, and her son started school in Ireland.

After dropping them off on their respective campuses, Winkler had accepted an opportunity to teach a retreat in Ireland. “I was so nourished by the amazing people, environment and the meditative heart-healing work we did over that weekend,” she tells MyLifetime. 

Leaving Ireland, she felt something she hadn’t expected: a sense of wholeness. “Flying home, I was surprised by how full I felt going back to the empty nest,” Winkler says. “I was so struck by how calm, confident and complete I felt, but I also had no idea how it would feel back home. My mind thought it knew what an empty house would mean because it had experienced one before with my divorce, but this was a different empty house, a different time and a different me.”

Winkler mentions how the thought of empty nesting can overshadow the actual experience. While she’d anticipated the worst, she actually found that her quiet days at home felt OK. 

“What surprised me was that the anticipation of empty nesting was harder than the reality of it,” she says. “The grief did not disappear. It comes and goes, as grief does. What changed was that I was no longer bracing for what I thought this experience was going to be. It truly shocked me that empty nesting felt good for me.”

Nowadays, she enjoys the company of her boyfriend—especially when his 9-year-old twins come by. “I move into utter joy and invite them to play with old art supplies and games. The mess they leave actually makes me happy. I welcome the tantrums and the dirt,” she shares.

Winkler also tends more to her “third child” (her career), now that she has more time and space to devote to it, as well as her self-development and personal interests. “I can work on books, travel to see my kids, and explore new places and other parts of myself,” she says. 

In other words, she didn’t discover a single new purpose; she created more opportunities to feel engaged, connected and like herself.

Still, she says, “You miss your children, the sound of them coming through the door, the pace of the week, the ordinary ways your lives intersected. There is sadness and disorientation, but there is still movement. Connection helps. Pleasure still finds you. You can still locate yourself underneath the grief.”

Keep reading to learn how Winkler and Dr. Meredith Sjoberg, a licensed psychologist specializing in women’s midlife support, suggest finding purpose after your kids become adults. 

Once you become a parent, you don’t just take on a new identity; caring and providing for your children becomes a full-time job. “For years, there is constant reinforcement that our children need our care, attention and presence,” Winkler says. “This gives many mothers a sense of meaning, value and purpose.” With your time, energy and focus tied up in your family, being needed becomes a source of both direction and meaning.

That can make the transition out of full-time caregiving more complicated than simply having more free time. “As mothers, we can become so identified with the role of being needed that we unconsciously confuse the role with who we are,” Winkler adds. 

The point isn’t to separate yourself from motherhood, but to remember that the self underneath that role has been there all along. “Before you became a mother, there was a being here: an awareness, your presence—and that is the self that always remains even as roles change,” she says. 

Midlife can be an opportunity to ask which parts of yourself you want to give more room to now.

Still, Dr. Sjoberg says, that can be difficult when so much of your purpose has historically come from giving to others. “If we are sacrificing, giving and providing, it is easy to find meaning and purpose through that.” 

It’s much more challenging to find purpose internally—especially when you become an empty nester. “And yet, that is exactly the way we often need to find it in midlife,” she tells MyLifetime.

It’s natural for this transition to be challenging. The question isn’t whether you're sad or disoriented, as those feelings can be part of a healthy adjustment. It’s whether you can still find moments of connection, joy or curiosity as you adjust to your new normal.

But a deeper identity vacuum can make you question who you are once that chapter’s ended.  “When a role has become so entwined with our sense of self, a change in that role can make it difficult to locate the person underneath it,” Winkler explains. 

Not only might you lack a sense of purpose; you might also have less structure in your day, find yourself crying while peeking into your kids’ rooms or simply not know what to do yourself from one day to the next—much less the years to come.

It’s OK if you don’t know what you want to do or who you want to be just yet. But if you find yourself losing a sense of pleasure, you have trouble functioning day to day, or if emptiness persists, Winkler suggests reaching out to a mental health professional. “Sometimes what begins as a difficult transition can move into depression, and you do not have to navigate that alone,” she shares.

Winkler’s experience points to a larger truth about purpose: You don’t necessarily figure it out first and then act. Often, you’ll try something, notice how it makes you feel, and gradually begin to recognize what matters to you.

“When someone finds purpose, that usually means that they have begun doing something and find it rewarding, meaningful, or both—and they connect that to their purpose,” Dr. Sjoberg tells MyLifetime. “But you need to build it over time and identify it as such.” In other words, you don’t have to know what your next purpose is before you start moving toward it.

Here are a few ways to begin to find purpose in midlife after raising a family.

If you’re wondering how to find purpose in midlife, start smaller than the word purpose suggests. You don’t need a life-changing revelation. Instead, Dr. Sjoberg suggests asking a simple question: What do I want more of in my life?

“Do you want to be more giving to others, or do you want to pour into your own cup? How do you want to feel on a regular basis? Where have there been imbalances, and what do you want to level out or focus on more?” she asks. 

She also suggests exploring your values. Do you prize connection? That might mean creating standing dinner nights with friends. Contribution? Mentor someone younger in your field. Learning? Take a class at the local community college, or start a book club. Autonomy? Adjust your work schedule so your days aren’t built around everyone else’s availability.

As a mother, you’ve likely put some of your own hobbies or dreams on hold while caring for your children. Now that you have more time on your hands, reconnect with yourself by revisiting what you might have been reserving for a rainy day. “Begin to notice parts of your personal and professional life that you hadn’t had as much room for with a full house,” Winkler suggests. Have you had a goal to write a book? Start by writing a few pages every morning. Do you love yoga and want to deepen your practice? Consider enrolling in teacher training. You already invested in your kids’ goals and next steps. Now’s the time to tend to your own.

P.S.: Don’t assume that every old dream needs to be resurrected. The point is to notice what still pulls at you and lights you up—not to turn every abandoned ambition into homework.

Especially in the early days of this new chapter, Winkler recommends doing what she did, and scheduling something for yourself. When your kiddo departs, “I would tell any parent to consider putting something on the calendar for the days or week after—something that is yours,” she says. “Having something nourishing that fills you can help ease the transition into what comes next.”

Dr. Sjoberg agrees, saying it’s important to have things to be excited about. Maybe that’s training for an upcoming pickleball tournament, taking on a role for a cause you care about or your first solo vacation in decades. The point isn’t to fill every empty hour, but rather to give your days some anchors while you're figuring out what matters to you. Ultimately, the goal is to create experiences that give you clues about what feels meaningful.

All the while, you still might be going through the growing pains of empty nesting. This is normal, and you don’t have to pretend that you’re over the hump if you’re still processing things. “You can hold grief and sadness with anticipation and excitement at the same time,” Dr. Sjoberg says.

As you start to find and nurture yourself after being a mom, you may not know exactly what comes next. And you don’t have to. Purpose can be built through small choices, new experiences, meaningful connections, and the things that gradually make you feel more like yourself again.

“When my children left home, I realized how deeply I had identified with being a mother, and I wondered if I would ever find that same sense of purpose again. At 57, I began a consistent meditation practice for the first time in my life, and I enrolled in a meditation teacher training program. During an exercise reflecting on what I hoped would one day be written on my tombstone, I experienced what I can only describe as a powerful invitation from the Divine to serve as a hospice volunteer. Saying yes to that calling changed the trajectory of my life.” —Colleen Doumeng | Riverhead, N.Y.

“I’ve read that the key to happiness is connection and purpose, so as an empty nester, I’ve been intentional about finding more of both. I’m making more time for date nights with my husband, spending time with girlfriends and connecting with my two daughters every day by phone or text. I also serve on the board of directors of a local nonprofit, host free workshops for women non-profit leaders in L.A., and am finally writing the parenting book I’ve been researching for the past 10 years.” —Caroline Kunitz | Los Angeles

“Becoming an empty nester gave me the space to recognize two things I hadn’t fully understood before: how much I needed my community, and how much I needed to care for myself. I had always been someone who handled things on my own, but during that transition I learned to ask for help and let people show up for me. At the same time, I began looking inward, realizing how hard I had been on myself and learning to offer myself the same kindness and love I so readily gave to others. For me, this new chapter became less about filling an empty space and more about healing, growing and discovering a different relationship with myself and the people around me.” —Shannon Collins | Dallas

“I have often said my career is my third child, and there was suddenly more time and space to devote to it in ways I couldn’t before. In addition, I can work on books, travel to see my kids, and explore new places and other parts of myself.” —Elizabeth Winkler | Beverly Hills, Calif.