About the Experts:
Marisa G. Franco, PhD, is one of the world's leading experts on friendship and human connection. She currently serves as a professor at the University of Maryland and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. Dr. Franco has made contributions to psychological research and public understanding in many critical areas of belonging, loneliness and adult relationships.
Irene S. Levine, PhD, is a leading expert on female friendship. She previously served as a Professor of Psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine and held senior management and policy roles at the National Institute of Mental Health, including as the first Deputy Director of the federal Center for Mental Health Services. Dr. Levine has made contributions to public understanding of friendship dynamics through her book Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend and her long-running platform, The Friendship Blog.
Tish Felman held her tongue about her friend’s partner for years. He was in and out of prison. “[He] just could not get his life together. He had his own demons to fight, and my friend was there just to pick up the pieces,” she tells MyLifetime.
Felman was happy when they broke up.
“Then she got back together with him, and I told her, ‘You could do better than him. I wouldn’t be your friend if I didn’t say it at least once,’” she recalls.
Once Felman said her piece, she told her friend that she would support her and act civilly toward her partner if they stayed together, especially because they had two children.
“She told him later what I said to her. He responded with, ‘Tish is a really good friend towards you,’ which of course surprised me,” says Felman, adding that that statement gave her a clue that both he and Felman had her friend’s best interests at heart. “Because he said that to her, I think that helped our relationship not to have a rift. He and I were very civil towards each other for years, all the way up to his death. Over time, I learned he adored my friend and their girls despite his issues.”
Felman was practicing a concept called identity affirmation, which Marisa G. Franco, PhD, professor at The University of Maryland and New York Times bestselling author, describes as respecting a friend’s identity and decisions, even if it doesn’t match your identity or the decisions you would make. “Partner choice is one of those things where it’s an identity-affirming experience,” Dr. Franco tells MyLifetime. “You may think, ‘My friend should date someone different,’ or ‘I don’t know why they’re attracted to that person,’ but it’s your friend’s choice.”
Irene S. Levine, PhD, a psychologist and friendship expert, suggests it doesn’t always turn out so harmoniously, and there are important considerations. “There’s always a risk entailed in getting in between a couple,” Dr. Levine tells MyLifetime. “Unsolicited criticism of a partner can force a friend to defend them, which can drive a wedge between the two of you, not them.”
Even if your friend is venting about her romantic partner to you, Dr. Levine says, “Be a good listener and ask questions, give an honest opinion when asked.” This helps show you care and are open to learning about the dynamics. Staying in more neutral territory this way can help you remain a trusted source later, if and when one day your friend needs to confide something concerning.
How to Express Disapproval Without Damaging Your Friendship
Disapproving of a friend’s partner isn’t all that uncommon. According to 2021 research, 80% of participants reported that at least one person in their social network had, at some point, disapproved of their relationship.
But…is it any of your business? Dr. Franco suggests you need to determine if your read on the relationship is genuine concern, or just distaste. If you find your friend’s partner boring or annoying or you disapprove of their politics or income, that’s a matter of personal preference. Those are characteristics you probably need to move past.
Here’s When You Should Speak Up
Dr. Franco says speaking up is valid when you’re observing what you believe is mistreatment. “If you see behaviors or dynamics where your friend isn’t getting treated well—you don’t like the way they’re being spoken to, or they’re being dismissed—you can speak up.”
In this case, a tip she offers is to make your commentary “more against the behaviors than the person,” she says. “That’s a lot easier for your friend to receive.”
Dr. Levine lists other reasons to tell your friend you’re concerned if her partner:
makes you wonder if they’re physically or emotionally abusive toward your friend
seems to be isolating your friend from others
seems overly controlling
appears to abuse drugs or alcohol
is draining your friend’s bank account
Some ways to point out specifics might include:
“It’s hard for me to see them elevate their voice or a yell at you because I know that you deserve to be talked to with consideration.”
“When they cancel plans at the last minute and you’re OK with it, I wonder if you’d be OK with a friend doing that.”
“I keep noticing you apologize for things that aren’t your fault when he’s around.”
“I trust your judgment. I just want you to know that I’m here if things ever feel off, no matter what that looks like.”
Once you give your opinion or advice, Dr. Levine recommends, “Avoid badgering your friend if she is unwilling to change her situation.”
Dr. Franco adds that if you push the matter or attack the character of your friend’s partner, she simply might stop coming to you: “Then your friend’s in a situation where maybe they’re not getting treated well and they’re also isolated. That makes things a lot worse.”
What Happens When You're Happy for Someone—and Jealous Too: Clinical Experts’ Advice to Process and Learn
Jealousy toward someone you care about doesn’t make you bad. Here’s how two psychologists say it can guide your own choices.
Jealousy toward someone you care about doesn’t make you bad. Here’s how two psychologists say it can guide your own choices.
What to Do If Your Friend Gets Defensive
When you speak up about your friend’s partner, Dr. Levine says you are limited in how much you can help. “They may need more time to address the situation,” she says. “Explain that you treasure the friendship and don’t want to let discussions about her partner interfere with your friendship.”
Dr. Franco says defensiveness means that that friend is feeling threatened and unlikely to take in the information.
If the partner hears about what you said and approaches you, Dr. Franco suggests being constructive and honest with them, and avoiding attacking them personally. Also, own it—with consideration, not confrontation. “Don’t say, ‘I didn’t say any of that,’” she advises. “Rather say, ‘I’m hoping for my friend that she’s being treated [well], and I saw in that moment that that wasn’t happening. I hope moving forward, she can be treated [better].’”
Dr. Franco also recommends staying connected to a friend who may be in an unhealthy relationship: ,“You don’t have to get them out of the relationship—but if they have someone they’re connected to outside of the relationship, that alone is enough to create an opening for them to leave when they might be ready.”
